Guide to Being a Stand Up Comedian

This is actually completely unrelated to web design. It’s more in the vein of How to Not Die. I just finished reading Ant Farm so I’m in that kind of mood. This is my guide to being a stand up comedian, based on what I’ve seen from popular comedians.

So… relationships are hard…
Women are smart
(hold for applause)
Men are stupid
(hold for applause)
Here’s the problem. Men don’t know how to communicate. You women do. Men are just too stupid.
(hold for applause)
Another problem is that men never know what they did wrong. Women are all like “I’m mad at you.” And men are all like “Why?” And women are all like “You know.” But men don’t know!
(hold for applause)
You know what else I don’t like?
Airplane food. It’s gross. Am I right?
(hold for applause)
I paid a few hundred dollars for the plane ticket. You think they could at least bring me some decent food. Am I right?
(hold for applause)
Instead they bring me some plate that looks like (pause, you must now gauge your audience’s intelligence.) Option 1 (intelligent): Grendel after Beowulf is through with him. Option 2 (stupid): shit.
(hold for applause)
So… racial stereotypes are humorous.
I was at a dance club the other night and I realized that white people can’t dance
(hold for applause)
They dance like this this… (you can do the chicken dance, square dance, or Macarena)
(hold for applause)
I’d now like to sing you a song now. (This is where you take an already popular song and change the words in a humorous way, or just write a song about a retarded relative of yours)
Thank you for listening to my song
(hold for applause)
I now have some props I’d like to show you. (If you don’t have any props, just flail your arms and scream funny words until the audience laughs. This is known as the “Dane Cook method”)
(hold for applause)

P.S. I hate popular comedians.